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From the mother’s point of view, the transition may be hard because it requires her to let go of ways of mothering she’s been using and adapting for more than two decades; she may have trouble seeing her child as capable and independent, or may be unwilling to give up the role she’s played in her daughter’s life.Similarly, a daughter may feel ambivalent about how involved she wants her mother to be as she makes the first decisions of her adult life; she may simultaneously want maternal support, on the one hand, and unfettered independence, on the other.Some tension stems from the primacy each part of the dyad gives to the relationship.An independent daughter set on living her life far away or on her own terms or, alternatively, a daughter who considers her spouse and children her primary family may make a mother feel excluded.Since I’m neither a therapist nor a psychologist, I’ve drawn on my own experience as the mother of an adult daughter and the many interviews I’ve conducted over the years.

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At the same, the transition into adulthood has become, for many, less defined than it was in previous generations.She may feel intensely competitive with her daughter and feel undone by her daughter’s successes. This relationship with the hyper-critical mother is extremely tense, and is maintained by the daughter at personal great cost. She has a very specific sense of what “should” or “ought” to be done in every circumstance and on every occasion.She’s quick to share her opinions (she’s positive that they are the ones, after all) without being asked on everything from the chopping of cherry tomatoes in a salad (“Yes”), whether the ceiling of a room should be wallpapered (“Always”), along with what she considers an encyclopedic knowledge of raising children (“If a child isn’t potty-trained by two, the mother has done a lousy job”).Two primary reasons were 1) the mothers’ attribution of their lack of success to the mores and dictates of the era, the 1950s, in which they came of age and 2) the high costs they saw their daughters paying for their success, including having to deal with the balance of work and family.This led them to feel that, in fact, they had enjoyed more success in the domain of family.Besides, being the mother of an adult daughter makes her feel old and why should she feel that way when she can still fit into her kid’s jeans? The Critic This mother doesn’t need much explanation but the bottom line is that, according to her at least, her daughter is always falling short in important ways.