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However, one particularity of the human species is that pair bonds are often formed without necessarily having the intention of reproduction.
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It made me SO uncomfortable that guys so much older than me, older than most of my siblings (all of which are 8 years plus older than me), were sending me messages telling me that I was “hot”.

In hindsight, the list’s existence doesn’t shock me (I had my own versions in the form of nauseatingly long Word documents), but the of it are so telling. That my best qualities in his eyes — cute, fun, nice, hot — were nowhere close to the ones I valued in myself and would prefer to be loved for — my mind, personality, literally anything else — should have been a smack upside the head for me. Eventually I learned, very definitively, that nothing good comes of it, ever, and I began to see it for the dubious breakdown of the golden rule that it is. I sat down on his bed, without so much as a blink or a breath, and read: I was bowled over.Back in 2008, though, I only understood such a decency intellectually. One afternoon, I was hanging out in the bedroom of my first serious boyfriend while he was in class. We were technically happy (everyone dreams of being technically happy), but he’d broken up with me in a dramatic fashion about six months prior, and once we got back together, I had lingering doubts as to whether we were solid. I felt like I’d just peered into my own soul and finally understood myself. WTF w/ TWO SYNONYMS FOR CUTE WASTING A QUARTER OF MY PRO SLOTS? While my name was nowhere to be found, I never doubted the list was about me. And for the record, he meant board games, not like ~waiting to to text back.~ Trust me. I put the piece of paper back and returned to my homework, shaken. We sat down and I confessed I’d “stumbled” across the note while searching for a pen — an all-but-blatant lie — and was perplexed by it.This, of course, is how looking for a pen in his desk animorphed me into a raccoon sniffing around a dumpster. When he got back later that day, I knew that’d I’d cave and tell him. Oddly enough, my concern was not for the totally batshit contents of the list. My memory of the conversation is a little blurry (it was a decade ago!), but I know he told me the list was from a while back, when he was having doubts about us.By the time of this interview, she had already given up and moved on, finally discovering her future husband while visiting old friends at her alma mater. Ryan (RD): What year did you sign up with an online dating website and how long did you keep your account? RD: What were the majority of messages that you received from guys like? I got some commenting on my picture telling me how “hot” I was…how “good” I looked.